Isis, Osiris, and How Women Would Design Penises.
Osiris was the Egyptian sky god. His brother, Set, was his mortal enemy. His sister, Isis, was his wife (Ew!).
Set wanted to rule the world in his brother’s place, so he killed him, cut up his body into 14 pieces, then scattered those pieces across the earth.
Set threw Osiris’ penis in the Nile, where it was eaten by a fish. Trust me, this will be relevant later.
Isis went about collecting all of the pieces of Osiris’ body. The only one she wasn’t able to recover, was his penis. You know, because of the fish. Some versions of the myth say she went on to fashion a new penis for Osiris, out of gold.
Other versions say she cut off her own thumb and used that as Osiris’ new penis.
Once Osiris’ body was whole again, Isis used magick to bring him back to life. Once alive, Osiris and Isis made love with his brand new golden (or depending on what version of the story you believe) thumb-like penis.
The child of their union was Horus — a sun god with the head of a hawk. Horus went on to slay his uncle Set in retaliation for his misdeeds.
Women sometimes get the short shrift in mythology. They’re often passive, victimized, or have snakes for hair.
I like this myth because when Osiris, the king of Egyptian gods got himself killed, Isis didn’t sit idly by mourning his death, she got to work using her magick to bring him back.
It’s interesting that one version of the myth imagines his penis best replaced in golden effigy. Another version thought a short, stubby woman’s thumb was adequate as a stand-in. It suggests maybe the first one was written by a man and the second one by a woman.
I used to work at a church. I got fired (might have been my penchant for penis talk). When it happened, my wife didn’t sit passively by waiting for me to get another job. She set out to acquire new skills and create a new future for our family. In that way, I find she has a lot in common with Isis.
It should also be noted, getting fired kind of took me down emotionally. My wife worked, like Isis with Osiris, to bring me back to life. Not because her magicks weren’t adequate on their own, but because she loved me and valued me as a companion.
This myth makes some good suggestions. Mainly that women are wholey capable of rescuing men, despite what some myths and some movies may tell us.
It also suggests to men that our penises, if designed by women, might not be the solid gold works of art we imagine them, but more like a thumb. Useful, but not exactly impossible to live without. And best kept in our pockets most of the time.